Awful Daybreak

Introduction: As a supreme negative example, I recently wrote a piece incorporating some of the worst possible features of a descriptive essay. Enjoy. =)

Daybreak
How not to write a descriptive essay

It was quiet. Then there was a stirring, rippling and tinkling as night shivered uncontrollably in freezing cold fear. Fear! Horror! Terror! For her end was near! I could hear her loud howls as she wailed and tore her hair with her black cloudy claws. The temperature dropped so low that polar bears would flee in terror and ice cream would transform into delicious diamonds.

Rain fell from heaven! Tears! O! The queen of the dark was weeping dark soggy tears, flooding the earth with slime. The Niagara was a mere drop in this flood; nay, it was the universal deluge—it was as if the Amazon, the Nile, the Yangzi river and the mighty Singapore River had all gathered into one supreme, unstoppable, invincible, incredibly ocean-like, tremendously awesome, wondrous flow!! Owls, her children, fluttered like cute butterflies in wild abandon, while she—the fat queen of the abyss—shrieked and ran across the heavens with a ripped dress; her footprints scattered randomly and the resounding thunders burst a million eardrums and car windows.

O! O! But she had no place to run. Her eyes opened wide. Once so powerful, once the demonic ruler of the dark, she whimpered as her last tears ran dry. Her worshippers held their breath for an hour—in fear and awe. Her empire was at an end…She hung herself in despair from a rope tied round the moon.

As Plato said, ‘Humankind is war’. Yes and all is war, war! Conflict is the grandparent of all things. Yes.

The mighty God, muscles bulging till it cracked his golden armor, burst up from the horizon in a flash. A thousand trumpets sounded from behind from the flocking crows and swans that heralded the Majesty. The whole earth groveled and millions fell down prostate to worship the Power that was matchlessly invincible, omnipotent and supreme.

I was in rapture, in ecstasy. Golden joy burst like the Amazon from my feeble heart, filling my heart and roaring out from my mouth, nose and forehead. My heart burst into life like a tropical jungle; monkeys, peacocks and birds of paradise seem to multiply and fill my heart with their beastly songs. I also burst into mighty song as the Spaceship of the Sun, the great Alien One, filled the sky, burning up all impurities in men and beast alike. The Incinerator Supreme, the Cleaner Invincible suck up all dust from our souls like a Divine Vacuum Cleaner and blast life into the rocks which stood up and started a tap dance.

Indeed, as Einstein said, ‘incineration is the source of all life’ and as Shakespeare puts it, “Rubbish is the rich soil from which all fake quotes arise’. Such immense profundity can only be appreciated under the sweet caress of the muscular Shakespearean sun.

The valleys shook and buildings tumbled down as the earth shook, dancing and waving her hands to welcome her Sovereign. I stood up screaming my praises of the sun. Daybreak!!!! E=mc2!!! Nuclear Fire that consume the world! Yes.